moving forward?

This is the seventh (?) blog I have started, and could possibly become the seventh blog I fail at. At some point in the coming weeks, I might possibly forget my password, I might probably forget to post and I will one day forget that this blog exists.

Sadly, this is how most things are in my life. This way of living has forced me to avoid my obsessions, I’m failing at this as well. These obsessions, particularly those with people, are one of the things that ruin me the most. One of those people I am currently obsessed with (to whom I owe more than he can ever know) is the very reason I sit here and type these words after he shared his own blog with me and made me wonder what it must be like to have a space in which I can freely express my own thoughts which I often find challenging.

I am fully aware that this blog may never be read by anybody, ever, but this outlet may be the very thing I require to keep afloat at this point. I’ve spent the last three hours writing this post in my head, through my gym session, shower and dinner and yet, somehow at this moment, I can remember nothing of my plans and carefully worded sentences of amazement. What a typical writing experience.

However, this week in my life is marking a change within my Course of Action. I capitalise these to pull attention to the fact that this is a title for me, not simply a vague idea. Over the past year, I have seen many of my friends move forward with their lives, stepping foot onto their own Courses and pursuing their Plans. I do not feel I have done the same. While I have watched them flourish and discover, and felt happy for them while doing so, I feel I have been trapped, by my own volition. I have been caught in quicksand created by me and slowly sinking into the unfathomable darkness that I fear so strongly. I have tried, in vain, for many months to feel I have achieved anything but “the daily grind” and was beginning to lose hope.

Over the past ten days, with some help, I have managed to step forward. I am still in my pit of quicksand but I can feel it beginning to relinquish some of its hold on me. This is entirely due to several people in my life, some new and some older. A colleague whom I have worked with for some time now and I have become close friends and his absolute positivity and light, while sometimes grating, is helping to lift me out of the dark place I let myself sink. He is forcing me to exist and do so with more effort. Between gym sessions , I could never manage with my lowered motivation levels, and stupid Facebook tags that make me smile while no one is around (an unheard of feat) I have felt myself begin to try to be more in general.

Another colleague, whom I have known for years and consider one of my best friends, is beginning to affect me negatively. While another makes me immediately dread a day with her. Simultaneously someone I know through work, has had a similar effect on my day. I never quite know whether or not to look forward or dread seeing him. Often I feel like I am too much myself as well as a completely different person when speaking to him and fear that he, with the skills he has, may see through my act. He makes me think in a way I haven’t had to for a long way and it is refreshing and intoxicating in a way I can’t quite explain.

Finally, an encounter I had today, turned my attitude towards my Course entirely on its head and is forcing me to do something. A friend of mine of several years, off on her own Course, successfully moving forward, whom I thought and dreaded I had lost forever contacted me today and I ended up sitting on the phone with her for almost an hour. She and I have always maintained the tough love mentality and called each other out on our bullshit. This has led to some awkward conversations in the past and teary phone calls but, after today, she’s pointed out to me how much I have been avoiding life.

I have used an excuse of an almost-not-actually-anywhere-close-to-an-accident incident during my last driving experience to avoid driving again and she, through reminding me that I will have to drive her everywhere, made me realise that I need to get back behind the wheel. Similarly, she pointed out my own lack of control over my own life. I keep letting it go and hoping that something will work itself out. Instead, I arranged for things. I made an appointment with my hairdresser and arranged for some important documents to be dropped off for my applications to begin. She also called me out on my manipulation of certain people in my life and reminded me that if didn’t try, they wouldn’t either and I would lose them. An event that has occurred far too often in the past.

I have not been trapped, I realise, I have been stagnant: a still body of water on the top of a hill with the potential to move, to run, to “escape” and find my kinetic energy again if only I can find my rain. That may be my worst metaphor of all time.

Speaking to her has kick-started my plans again and I only hope that I can remain consistent this time. I only hope that I can continue.

I hope that, soon, I will be Moving Forward as well.

R x


{ “the daily grind“. noun. The routine of everyday life. Dull, boring.}

[Songs of the post: tenerife sea, ed sheeran / rhiannon, fleetwood mac / young and beautiful, lana del rey]



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