At 22h54 at night I panic sometimes. I see that someone hasn’t replied to my message, in the middle of a risky conversation and I fear I have lost a friend forever. This strange paranoia has been with me for years, it’s why I’m so careful around people. It’s why when I do, inevitably, do something I’ll regret for the next nineteen years, I immediately want to go home and kill myself.
At 22h56 at night I fall sometimes. I feel myself slipping into this dark hole with no distractions and no real world around me and I begin to not feel myself at all. It’s why I prefer to go to bed early and avoid the darkness, at all costs. It’s why I spend a lot of time wanting to kill myself.
At 22h58 at night I sometimes start planning my death. I imagine the easiest ways to go or the most painful and deliberate over which I deserve. I take myself through the step by step process of each one, crossing off options that take too much effort until I find the easy one that won’t leave a mess and makes it easy to take me away.
At 23h00 at night I sometimes slip into my bathroom and do terrible things to myself and want to cry but can’t find the tears. I sit in the empty bathtub and hate what I have become, without ever realising where I was going.
At 23h09 at night I usually hear my dog come into my bedroom, my bead curtain rattling faintly. I clean myself up, wash my face and go to bed. My dog watching from under my desk.
At 23h14 at night I often fall asleep with my dog beside me and realise that I can’t leave him. He wouldn’t know what had happened or understand where I had gone. I always realise that this source of paranoia that seems like the end of the world, isn’t and I don’t need to kill myself just yet.
At 23h15 at night I switch off my light and remind myself to live for the small things. Live so that your dog can love you for as long as he lives.