my dog

At 22h54 at night I panic sometimes. I see that someone hasn’t replied to my message, in the middle of a risky conversation and I fear I have lost a friend forever. This strange paranoia has been with me for years, it’s why I’m so careful around people. It’s why when I do, inevitably, do something I’ll regret for the next nineteen years, I immediately want to go home and kill myself.

At 22h56 at night I fall sometimes. I feel myself slipping into this dark hole with no distractions and no real world around me and I begin to not feel myself at all. It’s why I prefer to go to bed early and avoid the darkness, at all costs. It’s why I spend a lot of time wanting to kill myself.

At 22h58 at night I sometimes start planning my death. I imagine the easiest ways to go or the most painful and deliberate over which I deserve. I take myself through the step by step process of each one, crossing off options that take too much effort until I find the easy one that won’t leave a mess and makes it easy to take me away.

At 23h00 at night I sometimes slip into my bathroom and do terrible things to myself and want to cry but can’t find the tears. I sit in the empty bathtub and hate what I have become, without ever realising where I was going.

At 23h09 at night I usually hear my dog come into my bedroom, my bead curtain rattling faintly. I clean myself up, wash my face and go to bed. My dog watching from under my desk.

At 23h14 at night I often fall asleep with my dog beside me and realise that I can’t leave him. He wouldn’t know what had happened or understand where I had gone. I always realise that this source of paranoia that seems like the end of the world, isn’t and I don’t need to kill myself just yet.

At 23h15 at night I switch off my light and remind myself to live for the small things. Live so that your dog can love you for as long as he lives.

R x

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2 thoughts on “my dog

  1. I heard you. That sounds rough. You sound lonely. It must be painful to feel like you’re sticking around for your dog. Dog’s or pets in general are just like any other family member. I’ve heard it from a friend at work who was in so much pain he wanted to end it, but didn’t want his wife and kids to experience the pain. Whatever has you in this rough spot, I wish you the best. I heard you, and I’m sure others did too. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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