As predicted, I haven’t written in a while. The reasoning, however, is not as predicted.
I usually write when I’m sad. When I feel myself dropping into a dark hole and feel the need to expel as many words as possible to float on air, to lighten my body and stay as high as I can. Recently, mostly due to the people currently a part of my life, I haven’t needed that expulsion. This scares me, on a certain level. My entire happiness over the last week or so has hinged on three people, one in particular, whom I work with and this dependence terrifies me.
Two of these three people are leaving soon. One to go on to different things and finish her pregnancy with her boyfriend. The other to go back for a second year of studies. It’s the second one who has become my main source of positivity. And my meeting him seems fateful to me.
I finished high school just over a year ago and my initial plans were to be a six-month job at the same place I have been working for the past three years during school holidays (a local hotel as a receptionist there) and then, in May of this year, to leave here for England to either take a further gap or begin my studies. Instead, I extended my work with the hotel. A single month after my planned departure date in May, he arrived as a practical trainee, fresh from hotel school where he was sitting as one of the top in his class.
If I had left when I had initially planned, I never would have met twonof them and I do fear I would be dead had I pursued a life on my own at that point. I know for a fact that I would have killed myself at some point in the last six months had I been by myself anywhere in the world. Instead, I have been stuck in that job that I don’t particularly like with some of the best people I could ever have asked for. The aforementioned three, one of whom I have worked with for years and can inflict a negative air onto my life, has brightened recently and, between the three of the, they have made my life one I enjoy living.
Although I still (two days later) regret a night out we took without planning it, it was also one of the greatest nights of my life. The next day when I was dragged to breakfast and shopping by two of them, I was suffering from a heart-breaking hangover but felt like I had lived the day. Over the past week, my life has been filled with constant visits to their house, they live in staff housing together and I do not, to watch movies or have dinner, to watch endless episodes of Supernatural with a person who is as willing as I am to remain silent when the silence is comfortable and drive into town for no reason except the unborn baby is hungry and needs food now.
The three of them have invited me into their life and, although two of them are leaving soon, I feel at the highest point I have in years. This absolutely terrifies me, definitely, and the concept just terrifies me in general with how much control he, in particular, has managed to garner in my life in such a short time but, not only have I not hurt myself in over a month, I have even started thinking of the future as something I may be alive for again.
I remind myself now to stay alive for the little things, like watching old episodes of good TV shows on a single bed while it’s raining and there’s a lovely person with good food sitting with you.
I know this was a bit of a ramble more than a serious categorised blog post, but this is a sentiment I have wanted to get out to the world as soon as possible and decided here would be the best place.
Lovely days for you lovely people
[Listen to The Secret Sunrise by Rubber Duc and pay attention to track 13, Zebra Horse. The instrumental is something else.