yellow

Trigger warnings = * *

And I return.

It’s been a funny kind of couple weeks. There have been ups and downs a plenty over the last week and a half in particular. It would take too long to detail the reasons for each one but essentially it comes down to three things:

  1. The people around me.
  2. The way I feel about those people and how they feel about me.
  3. The way I feel about myself.

The first is easy, I have spent the last five years living in the same place with mostly the same people around me, however, there is always turnover when you live near a business. The other people who work or live here have a huge impact on my life because I see them almost every day. I am most definitely not complaining about this as, usually, I get on pretty well with people and like most of my co-workers. Recently, some that I grew very close to left on to new things, I have mentioned this before, and I am finding it harder than I expected without some of them. One, in particular, the sunshiney one, has left a bit of a gap however we have stayed in contact. It doesn’t work the same anymore though, for some odd reason. While he was still here, he did everything in his power to keep me feeling happy (it seemed) and now that he’s on the other side of the world he is still trying to do the same. Without his influence in person, I am finding it harder to remain happy constantly though. That’s not to say I’ve been unhappy, simply that I am more neutral; the state that I used spend most of my time in.

In the past, this neutral state was usually bad. I simply didn’t care enough to bother with distinguishing between any of my feelings and considered them all balancing at neutral. Now, this has not been a bad thing. However, when in neutral I don’t put as much effort into everyday tasks, including conversation with people. This means that, while my messages and general communication have been drab and unenthusiastic, the very fact that I am maintaining communication is a BIG DEAL. I do feel there is a strain on our relationship now though, because of this, and am struggling with this.

Simultaneously, while dealing with the good influences in my life, I am trying to handle a new co-worker who is difficult, to say the least. Besides several irritating traits which we have managed to avoid mentioning (besides one making me want to cry eighty percent of the time), she has also responded to criticism from our manager in an immature manner and spent a whole day ignoring us all and generally behaving like a child. Because of this, I couldn’t be bothered to entertain her antics and spent the day ignoring her in response so that the rest of us could actually get some work done. It seems she has taken this personally and is now treating me like am the very reason for her unhappiness and our manager not liking her.

This is a selfish problem for me. I base a lot of my self-worth on how people feel about me. I, personally, find myself to be an annoying person quite often and when other people seem to share this sentiment, it affects me wildly. Quite often I have fallen into my dark hole after realising that someone close to me finds me to be “vexing” (HQ quote) and have spent several days, or weeks even, trying to drag myself back out.

While I have been struggling with these “bad” feelings issues, I have experienced being on the receiving end of “good” feelings as well. I recently found out about two people very close to me with the potential of having less “platonic” feelings for me. This was not only a shock to me but also an anxiety-ridden incident. They were two very different reveals, one on purpose and very easily sorted out. It was, mostly, painless and straight-forward. It was a confusing confession from them for me, I wasn’t too certain what to make of it and, like a stereotypical girl, had to consult with several others to understand the sentiments at all. Besides this, though, essentially painless and we are back to exactly the way we used to be and, as far as I know, he feels the same about it.

The second was vaguer. It was more a collection of hints from them and then a fair few “Are you fucking blind?”s from my consultants before a harsh realisation. I am fortunate to not have had to deal with it in person yet, nor have we even approached the issue directly but there is a strange floating around it at the moment which is starting to regularly make me feel ill. I cannot decide whether I preferred my uncertainty of the whole situation to the absolute conviction I now have to feel all the time. He will be returning to my life in a week or so and, while I am looking forward to having my friend back, I am dreading any revelations he may decide to make while with me and the consequences of any of them.

Somehow, amidst the anxiety and general negativity I’ve encountered over the last weeks, I am feeling better about myself. My obsessive colour syndrome has shifted to yellow and, while it seems absurd, it has put me in a genuinely better mood. I bought myself a yellow lamp and some yellow pillow cases, placed a yellow pot plant on my bedside table and have spent the last two weeks painting my nails various shades of yellow and have felt myself generally feeling more yellow. I had a small dip back to grey for a moment a while back and it didn’t end well but afterwards I started to realise that I didn’t need those things that I used to do anymore. * I don’t need to slice my skin or sit in my empty bathtub and stare at nothing anymore*. When I start to feel sad, I get into bed with my phone or a book, I go to work to visit the people I work with who I like, I watch a movie that I love or play some good music and start planning imaginary trips for myself. I make to-do lists and sit with my dogs instead and, slowly, my whole life is becoming more lovely and more yellow. I know sometimes I will dip and maybe I will hate myself or my job or fear that I will be trapped forever, but now I can overcome that. I booked myself a plane ticket to visit my friend in another province next month and requested my days off with my manager and that’s a real plan. I realised, by doing that, that can actually change things and make plans and it was a freeing and yellow experience.

Although I’ve been struggling for months, I’m finally feeling like I’m getting out of that quicksand, I’m pulling myself out and realising that there are things that I can leave in there that I don’t need to take with me. I just can’t wait to see where I can get this year (as much as a cliche as it sounds) and look forward to making everything yellow.

Have a yellow year you lovely people x

Songs of the week: { Leaving Town, Rubber Duc / Just Hold On, Steve Aoki ft Louis Tomlinson / Big Yellow Taxi, Joni Mitchell / Happy, Pharrel Williams }

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