I had started an outline for a proper blog post with updates and feelings and a metaphor or two as well but I felt I needed to write something today.
I have mentioned that I have been doing well recently, I’ve been yellow and feeling like I’m slowly getting free of my quicksand. I was sort of wrong. I had been, but a disappointment that has been repeatedly happening sent me plummeting again and I felt myself losing everything; my yellow faded and my head tripped over itself. I shared this disappointment with a close friend of mine and he turned around and, essentially, pointed out it was my own fault.
He pointed out to me, without any sugarcoating, that I had been relying on other people to make everything happen for me rather than taking initiative and sorting things out for myself. I have always had big dreams for this part of my life, and I haven’t managed to fulfil any because of this current dependency on others to sort everything out. To begin with, I felt the sting of what he said, I was a bit hurt and slightly offended but, within moments, realised how true it was.
No one else had been willing to tell me to suit up and deal with things myself and I appreciated him being willing to be that person for me and, because of it, I have started my list. It starts very small; find out what I need, and extends to larger things (or even the biggest in my eyes): to learn to drive which is a task I am terrified of and avoiding at all costs.
Since his message, I have done very small things, I’ve made a to-do list and bookmarked websites to take a look at when I have time to properly browse. On an even smaller scale, I started doing things by myself that aren’t even related to the Big Dream. I booked and paid for tickets to a concert my friend and I have been wanting to go to and, because it’s in another city, it gives me an excuse to learn to drive so we won’t have to fly there. I made an appointment by myself and, although my mother will be dropping me off, this was entirely planned by me and is not known by her.
Although these things are small in the grand scheme of things, knowing that I must do things myself is finally pushing me to actually do some things. I owe a lot to that one message (and his subsequent blog post on here about it which I coincidentally found shortly afterwards.)
This was a bit of a mess of a post, but I needed to put it out there.
Live a lovely day tomorrow x (whenever that is) x
Songs of the week: [ Hope, Tobu / Monody, TheFatRat feat. Laura Brehm / Paris, The Chainsmokers / Bird Set Free, Sia ]