“uncertainty” – noun, the state of being uncertain or unsure, unknown
I recently returned from a trip to an old friend, indeed my oldest friend, and have found myself in a state of uncertainty with regards to much of my life after this.
There are several aspects of my life at the moment that are very much up in the air (I am hugely fond of this term) as well as several reasons that some of them are areas of uncertainty for me. This could well be another word splurge and, for the first time in a long time, I have chosen to type straight rather than sketching a plan beforehand. So, in advance, I apologise for another mess, I hope to one day actually find structure in these posts.
To begin with a more negative aspect of my visit, within a day of being with her, I realised that she does not know, at all, who I am. I felt that uncertainty of how to treat me for quite some time before we fell into a rhythm. In particular, she pushed me into a situation I wasn’t comfortable with, at all, and ended up having to rely on someone close to me quite heavily to get me through it and, consequently, felt like much of the situation was a waste to all of us. This rhythm that we finally found, however, was more one of the past than one that grew up with us. Although the content had changed, we still essentially treated subjects the same way, over explaining, over-analysing and unfiltered. I was glad to be able to do this, especially with some of the more “uncertain” situations I’m currently in the middle of and I appreciated this unfiltered conversation, but when we weren’t;t doing this, we struggled for conversation and general comfort as well.
While on this trip, I very seriously started contemplating my one day leaving this country, which is the Plan, and thinking about the people I am leaving behind. There are several friendships that I am aware I will miss and some that I fear I may not survive without. This leads to a second area of uncertainty: how to handle advances you don’t want and are not interested in. I have mentioned two people close to me who displayed feelings of a not entirely platonic nature and while one has become a good “situation”, the other has become a cause for frustration and anxiety and is slowly deteriorating and I fear the friendship I may lose when I, inevitably, will have to shoot him down properly in order to stop these advances. This has never been something I have had to deal with, both of these situations, being the person I was when I was younger and, indeed, never actually imagined myself in either of these situations. I cannot imagine how frustrating a paragraph this is with my vague references and clear uncertainty, but that’s precisely the issue I’m struggling through.
While dealing with these, frankly overwhelming, situations in my life, I’m struggling to balance my head. My body has spent the last week and a half rebelling because of my own failure to comply with what it needs, and this, combined, with a hectic schedule and emotional turmoil has left me in a permanent cloud of exhaustion and stress. I slowly feel myself beginning to retreat and, as hard as I try to avoid it, I fear I may be gone before I can. My instant Run instinct whenever something slightly difficult has overpowered me has been the overpowering force in my life and I’m beginning to feel the need to plan my Run Away more seriously now, I’ll save it for another post.
Due to this absolute need to plan it now, I have started to unravel on the topic. When people ask me anything about my future plans I have become vaguer and vaguer until there barely even seems a plan anymore. I have entirely blacklisted the topic with those close enough to me to understand that I mean it and my best friend asked me if she needed to worry about the “Flight Risk” recently (that is a genuine name she has given me and one I fear I will never lose). Initially, those plans for my future was my Run Away, but the newest thing I’m running away from, are those very plans and I have begun to worry that I’ll turn back to my more permanent Run Away solution, which is something I no longer allow myself to consider.
My head has become a mess of thoughts and panics and this has left me uncertain, unsure of things I used to consider as certain. Those “certains” were the things I could rely on, and slowly that “certain” list is dwindling and it’s terrifying me. While I keep finding good things, good people, happy times to keep me afloat, I can’t seem to keep myself above the quicksand anymore. It’s not even the conscious decision of trying to save myself anymore, it’s simply ignoring the fact that I know I need to save myself and not caring that I’m ignoring it now. Apathy and uncertainty have taken over and I can’t find it in myself to care (obviously) and, while I know this is bad, I can;t even muster the energy to worry about not caring anymore.
Well now that I’m done with the sad word vomit this week and completely ignored the three separate, yes three, drafts I had structured and saved and started to prepare to be uploaded this week, I’m going to drown myself in my shower and sleep until I have to wake up.
[Songs are more a blue-grey than yellow this week, my apologies: 1969 Refinement, Chambers / To Zanarkand (Extended), from Final Fantasy X / She Lays Down, The 1975]