So, essentially, this is Part Two to yesterday’s post. While I dealt with the uncertainty and not so happy stuff yesterday, today is another mini word splurge on the positive results from my trip.
The biggest accomplishment from the entire trip, if I’m honest, is the fact that I actually made it through it. I found myself in several situations far outside of my comfort zone and, as I mentioned I did have to rely on someone quite a bit to get me through some of those situations including a particularly embarrassing one, I dreaded many events, but I actually finished the trip and did a lot of things I thought I would never be able to manage.
Although at the time I felt like I was being ridiculous, panicking about these little things that hadn’t and may not happen, looking back I realise that I got through a long five days that I was terrified of.
I got through airport navigations alone and arranged for transport without assistance, I paid for everything myself and got to feel the financial independence (and strain) of travelling alone. I managed social situations in unknown territories with people I didn’t particularly trust and somehow came out the other end with friends and good (if mortifying) memories. I told the absolute truth about how I felt about things, even if it was via text and he was on the other side of the country, and didn’t panic. Most importantly, however, is the fact that I overcame things that I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to do.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last year and a half cancelling plans last minute and avoiding social gatherings unless I had one of the people I consider a security barrier there and I have now realised that I may have missed out on so many experiences due to this. Now, I know for certain, I am not about to turn around and start making plans left, right and centre. I’m not about to agree to go out to parties because I managed one pub with some new people and I am not about to initiate conversation and spill my feelings and thoughts to everyone who says hello. I am, however, going to be more willing to consider plans, I am going to mean it when I say “Maybe another time” when someone asks if I’m coming with to a club and I will try my absolute hardest to be more “forward” in conversation; especially with the people who need to hear it.
On that topic, I have agreed to two, read that again two, separate sets of plans as well as another driving lesson (oh god) and while I am impatiently and excitedly waiting for one of these sets of plans, three more days!, the other, much further in the distance, is putting me on edge and I really don’t know how I feel. They’re with someone who is not a very big part of my life and is becoming increasingly unimportant to me. While I feel like I shouldn’t be allowing this to happen as he is an important factor and has done much for me in the past, my trip also reminded me of my imminent departure and, thinking about it, I see no reason as to why this person needs to be a part of my life anymore. While I will take part in these plans of his and will deal with his, slightly irritating, enthusiasm and constant nagging about it, I don’t know if this last-ditch attempt at keeping himself in my life will really be very effective.
The last positive and life-changing (sort of) event that has happened recently is a discussion I had with a very close friend of mine whom I work with. While it has always been the plan for me to leave my current job, she has started to consider this path for herself as well and, while I appreciate my job and the many good things (and people) I have found because of it, it is a bit of a soul-sucker (hospitality, need I say more?) and seeing her considering this move as well has brightened us both and put us in a much better place emotionally.
Just a quick bit of positivity to offset the misery that was yesterday’s post. I hope you have some lovely days, and happy Tuesday.
[Slightly yellow songs: Alive, Sia / Looking Too Closely, Fink / Take Your Time, Sam Hunt ]