“ennui” – noun, a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.
The first time I read the word “ennui”, I thought it was an animal. I was about nine at the time and continued with this belief until I was about fifteen and actually sought out a definition after stumbling upon it again. Someone recently used this word while speaking to me and it stuck its heels in and has refused to leave my head. When I was seventeen I applied this word to much of my life and preferred to think of myself as suffering from this instead of other ailments. I still prefer this word to the other ones with taboo tags.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I usually plan or roughly outline a blog post before putting it anywhere but occasionally (though slowly more and more often, unfortunately) I throw caution to the wind and type instead. Today is one of those days, the caution has been thrown and the journaler within me is raring to go.
There are several events in my life currently which I classify as a big deal. To clarify, the title of big deal is one which very little deserves in my life and when I say these words, it usually means life-changing in a big way.
The first is that Grand Adventure (I don’t remember what capitalised title I’ve used for it before, sorry) but, essentially, I’m moving to a different continent later this year. While this is something I have been excited for for as long as I’ve been dreaming of it (that’s seven years) it has become a subject which I dread. I recently took a trip up to the half of my family I don’t see very often and one of the few topics that are apparently interesting to these members is this Grand Adventure (and the other big deal in my life at the moment, but we’ll get onto that). This means that over the last week, I have spoken of little but these two topics. The Grand Adventure discussion is one that I already don’t enjoy because of the negativity that surrounds it due to the permanent delays (every one of which is my fault which just angers me and makes me hate myself a little bit more) as well as the fact that I sometimes question this decision. I have never questioned my decision to leave this country but now I reconsider the country I’m moving to, the things I want to study, the direction I want my life to go in and, while I know that at my age I “still have time” and “don’t have to have it all planned out yet”, I would prefer to have some form of plan.
This is what links to the ennui. I’ve reached that state of aimlessness in which it doesn’t matter to me that I don’t have a plan and am enjoying this strange wandering around with no real goal. The strange thing about this is that I’m usually incapable of that. Games in which there is no real goal and they just leave that “Explore” suggestion at the top of the screen bother me to no end and I find them an absolute waste of time, which is why me being content with this wandering is odd. I can’t figure out if it’s this particular subject or if I’ve simply lost the energy for tasks like this. There are very few things I bother putting energy into at this point in my life and I am beginning to wonder if this is a choice or if I don’t actually have it in me to get these things done.
This brings me to my other big deal of the moment. I’ve recently entered into a relationship and, while it may be a stupid thing to do between this aimlessness that is pervading my life and the fact that I am leaving the country soon, I can’t find the energy to not be absolutely okay with all of these “problems” and it’s the one aspect of my life that is strangely effortless. While it’s completely terrifying and intimidating to me, he’s also one of the few things that keeps the ennui at bay while he’s around. It’s new territory and constantly nerve-wracking but I enjoy almost every moment of it.
Unfortunately, I’m beginning to find, that the ennui seems to hit me harder when he leaves and it turns this into a strange dependency that makes me uncomfortable and needs to be averted. I hope that this strange drop (unlike any I’ve really properly had before) is mostly due to exhaustion with the huge change after a huge lift from a deep drop followed by an almost immediate drop in one day when I saw him after a week away and then had to say goodbye for almost that long again and not a trend that I can begin to expect or else my Grand Adventure will become a rather difficult task (more so than it already is.)
I hope the expulsion of words will help to let me sleep and maybe let me return to a more stable state of being. I can already feel myself drifting and need to sleep in order to avert any bad decisions for the evening. I hope to be back with something more structured and sensical when I return – hopefully soon.
A lovely week to you all