Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of the exciting rollercoaster you’ve all been waiting for: Word-Vomit has returned!
*cue applause track*
But on a serious note, my head is a little bit all over the place which means that there is not going to be any sort of structure or sense in the following passages. It also means it’s likely to be very short, so let’s get started.
Firstly, I am officially twenty years old, I know: I’m an old woman. So, this meant several things. To begin – I had a birthday. I’m not fond of birthdays, they feel awkward and there are far too many hugs in a day. But also, all through my life, something goes wrong on my birthday to completely ruin the day and this year was no different. It wasn’t terrible enough to really mention if I’m honest.
This led, however, back to that feeling of stagnancy. I sat at my desk for about twenty minutes freaking out yesterday because I worked in a place that, though I didn’t dread going to every day, I feared implicitly. I work with several people who started working at the hotel as trainees or for their practical…and then never left. I worry that I will soon join them and find myself never leaving either. I lie awake sometimes imagining myself twenty-five, thirty still at this hotel at a desk that I have grown to loathe and then I see myself at forty, still in the same town, in the same industry with some other people demanding things from me that I will help with because “that’s my job”.
Needless to say, I’ve been a state of permanent panic for the last few days and constantly aware of the time passing too slowly….but also far too quickly.
This is the other thing that contributes to that panic. I have mentioned my current relationship several times before and the various things related to it. The biggest one over the last week or so has been the fear it creates in me. That’s not something I really want to talk too much about right now. But this relationship is making me wish the time was passing more slowly, giving me more time to appreciate this as it is rather than what it will be if the current path we’re on continues.
Besides this, I have also been trapped in this everlasting feeling of absolute uselessness. I have had this before, the need for some kind of meaning, some kind of proof that I can make a difference in the world. This is something I have drafted the beginnings of a blog post on and hopefully will elaborate on soon. But, essentially, I have a need to matter in the world and to make a difference of some kind. This was the reason I considered becoming a doctor, a psychiatrist, a vet. I wanted to spend the rest of my life making big differences in people’s lives. When I sit and realise that for the past two years all I’ve done is help rich people demand things and in the future, all I’ll ever do is regurgitate words from writers and journalists and poets from times past, like all wordsmiths do in this age, and I have begun to feel redundant.
This has meant that my darker urges have resurfaced. Unfortunately, it isn’t just wanting to scar or empty myself anymore, the plan to end my life has entered my mind several times recently and, while I know I can find a million reasons to not do anything, I worry that I may soon lack the effort to look for them. The biggest reason has actually been the admin of it all. All I imagine is my poor mother having to get hold of someone to remove me from our house or clean up blood, or the search she will have to go one to find someone to replace me at work. On a selfish side, I imagine the collection of enough pills or pressure behind the blade in order to make a difference and, to be frank, I can’t be quite bothered at the moment, which is possibly a good thing.
My depression is actually keeping me from killing myself which is a paradox I had never expected.
This has been a fair bit more morbid than I had hoped for. Unfortunately, I have spent the last two weeks in varying degrees of a drop and, again, can’t be bothered to find the positivity or energy to lift it.
My day today was lifted a fair bit, I can mention that. I had a wonderful visit (not really, he has to come to my office so I suppose it doesn’t count) and was gifted with strawberry milk and wine gums (the only real way to my heart) and it was possibly one of the brightest moments of my day.
Okay, I should go to bed now, sorry it’s a fair bit shorter than usual. Watch this space though, I may start popping a project of mine up here.
Lovely days to all of you lovely people
[Songs: Slow Hands, Niall Horan // Unsteady, X Ambassadors (Erich Lee Gravity Remix) // Nothing Else Matters, Marlisa]