separation

“separation” – noun, the action or state of moving or being moved apart

I have been accused of running away before, and have addressed it myself as well. I have been told I am avoiding something before and acknowledged it ungrudgingly. I do run away and I do avoid. I zig and zag through the minefield in the hopes that I don’t have to actually deal with any of my issues.

I don’t really see it as running away or avoiding, which is why I don’t see it as unhealthy. Instead, I consider it separating myself in order to prevent the repercussions of whatever difficult thing I have to attempt to tackle. I am a small person and do not have the strength to tackle half the things I need to so, instead, I separate myself from the game entirely and leave the sports to other people.

This doesn’t always work well for me. Sometimes, in moments of panic, I separate so far that my head seems to wander somewhere else entirely and I lose time, lose experiences, lose my very self. The other issue which comes from this is that I often have to attach myself to something strongly in order to separate from my own internal issues and that thing is becoming my job, which is already stressful and draining before trying to immerse myself in it until I’m drowning and don’t know how to talk or think about anything else anymore.

It’s got to the point where people around me are noticing that I can no longer talk about anything but how work is going and how the people I work with are or what happened while I was with a guest and I can feel it starting to annoy people. It annoys the people I work with because they manage to separate themselves from work and it annoys the people I don’t work with because they can’t actually follow the stories most of the time and are beginning to find “exciting hotel stories’ dull.

While I do it, my mind and body is draining entirely to exhaustion and I believe I may have finally passed the point of panic and fear and reached the calming peace of depressed numbness. Strangely enough, and unhealthily so, I am welcoming that feeling back.

I can feel myself splitting further and further away from myself and while I am hoping to soon not be able to feel myself anymore, I am also beginning to fear what I will become when I finally do manage the complete split.

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