Disappearing Act: Part One

The first step to disappearing is thinking it through.

It’s acknowledging and understanding your reasons. Identifying what it is you’re running from. Realising the consequences of disappearing.

This is a difficult step. It makes you face what exactly it is that’s leaving you feeling trapped and in need of escape. It’s acknowledging that something in your life is wrong and shouldn’t be there. This step is as far as some people get.

This step is the one that psychs people out. They realise that those things they’re trying to run away from can be solved…or pretend that they can to avoid the disappearance entirely. The other component that chases people away is the admin of it all. To disappear entirely is a lot of work. It means losing touch with everyone and stalking off alone for as long as you may require. While some people pull a temporary disappearing act, some vanish forever.

Often, I’ve wished for the effortless disappearance. To become as ethereal and as slight as smoke, to fade away into mist and slip between the cracks, never noticed and never seen again. I hope to become so tiny that no one even sees me when I walk in a room and no one noticed when I walk out. I dream of absolute insignificance. But the moment I feel it, I drown.

A disappearing act is not a ‘run away’. Not for me. I run away when I’m scared or overwhelmed. I disappear when I am finished.

A disappearing act is all that sits on my mind too much of the time now.

Though I, myself, have never passed Step One, I fear it won’t be much longer until I vanish completely.

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