everything and nothing

My head is one of those ones that likes to make a huge deal out of nothing.

Through school, this meant a lot of stress and procrastination and panic. At work it means a lot of nervous energy and quiet panic attacks. In my relationship it means that my head tells me to end it every five minutes.

Today was a day where, somehow, I had all three.

I’m currently in the middle of a short university course and am struggling to find motivation and interest. This has led to my absolute terror and imminent panic at the assignment looming next month when I have nothing prepared for it yet. I wish I could say I fixed it and I feel better now, I don’t.

At work today, I lacked the support of my general manager and managing director as neither were available and this led to several things going wrong which I had to deal with alone, guest complaints that got heated that I had to assist with and many moments where I wanted to run away screaming. Several trips to the bathroom were simply to sit on the floor and try and keep myself from crying. The only bright side is that I’m off tomorrow, so I am coping with this.

The final is what tipped my day into the disaster zone. I overreacted repeatedly to some of my boyfriend’s messages and a small argument developed. I had already been fighting the doubt that my head likes to throw at me several times an hour. Today those doubts has increased and I sat for half an hour staring at my wall ready to end the whole thing because I was “going to screw it up anyway”. When I finally got over it, the school and work pressure overwhelmed me and I had a brief panic attack. Seeking help from my partner, I sent him a message and this is where the catty jokes turned an attempt at lightening the mood into a dismissal, on both sides. And I crashed hard.

I had relapsed and then relapsed further. I felt myself slowly losing my mind and I didn’t know what to do about it. It was like I had no control of myself anymore in that moment. I tried to share the doubts and something came up that delayed his response and, again, I panicked. My head has now spent the last hour and a half listing every reason that this relationship is not worth it and that I’m wasting his time while my tear ducts enjoy the turmoil and won’t stop burning my skin with salt.

I’m exhausted and finished and keep staring at my scarred thighs – I want to go to sleep forever now.

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