So, today is the day I drag us all to the other end of the spectrum. My last post was messy sadness and a lost mind, this post is wild happiness and a mind finding a route.
As mentioned, I feel I am in a place of vague smoke and uncertainty. I don’t entirely know what I’m going to do with my life and I’m not really okay with it but I have started to find ways to figure out what to do.
The main cause of this search for direction is a particular person: my boyfriend. I have mentioned him before and this post is a little bit centred around him more than the actual plans ahead (I’ll leave those for another time) which means that some things could get sappy.
Basically, as mentioned, I’ve had a shit couple of weeks and my head has been waging war against me for about as long as I can remember but it really rallied all of its forces over the last three months. The biggest change in my life three months ago was the fact that this is when we started dating (“properly”). Over this time I have become more and more comfortable with him to the point that he has become my new ‘safe space’. This has meant that the trust I’ve built is a wonderful (and very scary) feeling but also that, because this is one of my first real safe spaces, I cry a lot.
I don’t like dealing with my problems, a problem he likes to remind me of, and this means that I often have a build up of emotion and panic and futility which often decides to expel itself in that safe space, ie: I have a full on panic attack and can’t stop crying for about ten minutes at least once every visit.
Love is living with tear-soaked stories and gasping wet t-shirts and holding back to let her breathe.
One of these such instances led to me having a full meltdown about my future. I felt useless and aimless and lost in that moment and he asked me “What do you want to do?” At which point I realised that I didn’t know. At twenty years old I realised that I had no idea what I was interested in in life and all of my plans had crumbled to the ground and I didn’t know what to do.
And so, he found the sense, he suggested things to keep me busy that allowed me to earn some money at the same time and have started to actually feel some form of purpose. I have sent through an actual application for something that seems like I could really enjoy and also give me some purpose that I don’t hate.
Love is helping each other with the menial things but also offering advice for the big stuff.
The actual application process only happened yesterday though, after a weekend that I needed. This last week has been a complete disaster. I spent most of the week slowly dying from the flu while simultaneously struggling through one of my most dramatic crashes of all time. This meant that by the time Thursday came around, the day I always see him at work, I was a numb mess and when he left felt ready to cry for no reason. Luckily he reminded of the option to actually make plans together that weekend, which we did.
By the time Friday evening finally came, I was in pieces. I was overanalysing everything and exhausted beyond belief and was on the brink of locking myself in my bathroom with my bad habits. And then suddenly he was in front of me and looked as tired as I did and hugged me in that way and smiled at me and I sort of felt myself grabbing at pieces and holding it together for a bit longer.
The weekend didn’t seem to be anything special. We were in bed within two hours of him arriving and asleep half an hour later. Uneventful until my wonderful uterus decided to try and kill me at two o’clock in the morning. I woke up my poor tired boyfriend with my constant shuffling and sitting up and wanted to cry when he asked me what was wrong. Needless to say, it was a long night for me.
Love is back rubs and tight hugs when she has cramps.
The next day followed with the “uneventful” activities and we spent most of the day developing characters for an RP game he’s been looking into. And while it seemed that this was “nothing”, it felt like a big something in its nothingness. It took up most of the day and kept us busy together and beside each other but not interacting consistently. It was comfortable.
Love is doing nothing together.
Watching him leave was the only downfall of the entire visit (as always) and it broke my heart a little bit to watch his car drive away (as always) and when I got home I felt motivated (briefly).
I had had a nightmare that restless night from which I awoke in tears (later discussion) but which was a plot with which I can work. I don’t usually dream vividly and when I have night terrors, they’re usually vague feelings that stay with me rather than actual events. This story stuck (every dramatic and heart-breaking detail – well mostly, my memory is not what it once was) and for the first time in a long time, I have a plot. I have characters falling from my fingertips – granted, they are vague and insubstantial mostly but this is more than I have had in a long time and something that is hugely exciting.
Within moments of beginning my plans, I hit a snag and collapsed. As always, he was there to lift me again. It may not have been physically but through our phones, he offered support until I found my feet and managed to fill out my application, I looked into industry and professions and even made progress in it. I found a short course to suit me and constructed my newest to-do list. I felt actual motivation and managed to get down a character onto paper, a character with whom I am completely besotted. A character who may one day actually appear on here.
This motivation and lifted mood carried me through today. It was a long Sunday, with a host of complaints and various refunds that had to be arranged and apologies issued and an endless list of things going wrong. It was a day from absolute Hell with various members of management in terrible moods and a receptionist giving me attitude relentlessly, and somehow my mood has held. My Mum and I (we work together) were emotionally exhausted by the end of the day but my strangely positive mood helped her to get through it all. We may have spent ten minutes laughing manically over the fact that I did not know what an electric frying pan was and she may have pretend cried over how terrible her parenting has obviously been (it’s not that bad most of the time) so we both realise that this could be a front which could drop soon, but my good mood refuses to dissipate.
I know that this is because of my mouse who wasn’t in quite as good a mood as me (poor lamb spent the last day violently ill) but was somehow keeping me going through every complaint and glare and apology and exhausting question. Somehow, even now, my productivity is levels above its usual exhaustion. While I know it can’t hold out forever, I am simply enjoying the wonderful feeling of contentment this really wonderful person has somehow managed to drill into me in the space of fewer than twenty-four hours.
Like I said, it was going to be sappy, I’m not as good as saying these things to him but I hope, in reading this, he can sort of see my point of view and understand everything he does for me.
So, my lovely little mouse: thank you, as always.
I tried to put some love and yellow vibes into the below link for everybody. Please enjoy.
the little girl and the mouse
Love is comfortable and content.